Thursday, April 14, 2011

Jacked Physics

Science has kept me away from this blog in the last few weeks. I thought this might be a good time to discuss a particular scientific subject that is near and dear to my parental heart: Jacked Physics. I present to you here the new rules of physics as they specifically pertain to my son, Jack...because we all know that the rules of the physical world no longer apply once you become a parent.

A few examples.
  1. The pitch of a baby's cry rises in proportion to your inability to attend to it, and its duration is inversely related to the square of your remaining patience. Babies know these values. They do. They really do.
  2. Babies do not fall asleep according to the amount of time spent in the car. Instead, they fall asleep in direct relation to the amount of time remaining before you pull into the driveway. This number generally equals exactly 5 minutes before you would have reached their crib. For really long trips, they wake up (cranky and hungry) exactly 15 minutes before you are capable of stopping your motor vehicle to attend to them.
  3. The width of the most commonly traversed door / hallway / corridor is always exactly 1/2" smaller than the width of the car seat in your preferred carry position (1" smaller if you've got groceries)
  4. When the baby begins to overturn a cup of water or, say, uhm, that new 8oz box of cornstarch, your hand must repeatedly cover exactly half the distance between you and the object to prevent the accident. This means that you never actually reach the cub or the box. Mess, therefore, is inevitable.
  5. The willingness of a baby to sleep is inversely proportional to how tired they actually are. *This one is true. Very, very, VERY true.
  6. Pooping frequency increases in inverse relation to the number of diapers left in the diaper bag. (This is also true of toy-dropping frequency and the number of toys left in the diaper bag)
  7. The longer a baby has been sleeping, the cuter the baby becomes
  8. The number of times that a baby looks up while nursing (thus exposing your boobs and their spraying milk to everyone within view) is equal to the number of people in the room divided by your familiarity with them.
  9. No matter the baby's appearance or behavior, he or she is simply the cutest and the best baby around.
While I'm on the topic, I think I've got to share this video with you all. I've watched it more times than I should probably admit!

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